Sunday, April 5, 2009

Trapped

I have always wanted to experience a few thing that are scary but unique just for the RUSH of it and to say I have been through it, stuff that other people might think, “why would anyone WANT to go through that?” Stuff like being called up out of an audience to put your head in the alligator’s mouth at an alligator wrestling show at a zoo, being on an airplane that has to make an emergency landing, being in a building that caught on fire and being stuck on an elevator. Well, last night one of these things finally happened to me, being stuck on an elevator.

OK, it was after my fiancée, Caitlin, had modeled in a fashion show yesterday at the Purdue football stadium press boxes, Shivley. There was a big crowd waiting on elevators, because apparently they had hired engineers who graduated from Indiana University to design this building and the only way to get a few hundred people down three levels was to use three very slow elevators. So anyways, we, Caitlin, my mother, and I, were next in line. We herd the ding of the an elevator opening its doors so we could get on. It was the elevator to the far left, this elevator was not working earlier that day when I had gone to the fashion show that afternoon and I was thinking "Man, I hope this one is working OK now". But since everyone started to get on and my leg, which I just had surgery on a week ago to put nine pins and a plate in, was in pain from not having it elevated at the show the last two hours and because I was tired of standing in line with my crutches I crutched my way onto the elevator and took my position against the back right corner of the elevator so I could lean on the hand rail a bit. About fifteen of us packed into this elevator for a “short” elevator ride down.

There was my mom, Caitlin, two old couples, two ladies who looked like sisters in their seventies by their white hair and awkward mannerisms, a younger couple who looked like they were in college, four girls who look like they were in college but displayed the maturity level of sophomores in high school, and me, the gimp in the corner. One of the white haired sisters pushed the button for floor one. The doors closed and we felt the elevator buzz as it lowered it’s self down to the first floor. The numbers changed from three to two to one and the elevator stopped. We all looked at the doors in anticipation of them opening, but not thing happened. We all quietly waited a few more seconds and I though, “This thing better not be broken.” One of the girl’s said, “Oh this one takes a while to open” as another one of the girls said “It better open because I am Closter phobic!” but it did not open. Then the girl, who was the FIRST one on the elevator mind you, told us, “This is the one that got stuck earlier today and the fire station had to come and rescue people out of it.” Some one said to the old white haired ladies, “push the door open button.” While, they were trying to find it one of them said “Oh, this button is flashing,” then she leaned closer and read out loud “If this light is flashing then emergency help is on its way.” Everyone let out this sigh to say “Oh great.” Except the girl who was Closter phobic, she flipped out, “OH MY ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Push the call button and get someone to help us, please.” So, the old white haired lady pushed the button and had a short conversation that started with the emergency dispatcher saying “911 what is your emergency?” and the old lady screaming back, “WE ARE TRAPPED IN AN ELEVATOR.” I think she was not yelling because she was scared but yelling because she didn’t know where to talk to on the wall of buttons in front of her. The dispatcher said that she had gotten the alarm and had already notified the fire station, who was on their way to help us.

We all settled in for the wait, I was trying not to stay in one position for to long because my left leg hurt from being the only leg I could stand on with all my weight and my arms hurt from being on crutches. So, I had to constantly shift my weight from my left foot to my arms so each one would not get too tired. I occupied my time by using the mirrors on the ceiling to take pictures of everyone so I had pictures of everyone I was trapped on the elevator with. The whole time we waited, about twenty minutes, this Closter phobic girl went on in this dramatic scene of every emotion from crying, to totally content, to nervous and talking about the building catching on fire, to playing a game on her phone, then wanting to call the emergency dispatch again, which the old white haired lady did, then the girl was laughing and joking. This whole time everyone was trying to calm her down and convince her it was going to be ok, not really for her sake but mostly for their sake of being stuck listening to her freak out. My mom, a woman who speaks before she thinks on occasion, asked “Does it feel like we are moving, like swinging back and forth a bit?” I quickly hushed her and asked her what was wrong with her, if the girl would have heard her question she would have lost it completely. Then my mother perked up again at one point, this time she had thought a little bit more, and said in her southern drawl. “Well I teach stress management and started offering advice to the girl, which actually seemed to help, for a bit.

Then we heard a bang and the lights went out. It was the power being turned off to the elevator so the firemen could pry open the doors. This took another few minutes while the doors slowly opened a bit at a time. The Closter phobic girl was chanting for them to open the doors screaming things like: “Come on get the doors open.”, “You are men, you can do it.” And “Please, hurry.” Then all of the sudden the doors slide all the way open and the firemen stood on each side holding the doors back. Everyone started exiting and the Closter phobic girl was one of the first off and as she forced her way out of the elevator she said to the firemen, “What took you so long? Was it really that hard guys?” Which one fireman replied to her saying, “I can put ya backing there, if you want?” Everyone else got a big kick out of it except her. We found our way to the car and realized there are some things you think would be exciting and unique experiences until they happen then you realize they are really not that exciting and you don’t ever want to experience it again.



Thursday, March 12, 2009

Numb

1. deprived of physical sensation or the ability to move.
2. manifesting or resembling numbness.
3. incapable of action or of feeling emotion; enervated; prostrate.
4. lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent.


I was driving back to campus in my truck tonight, freezing cold, staring out my front windshield when I suddenly realized I was actually driving. I had been sitting there watching life go by me at 60 MPH not really paying attention. It was as if I was watching a movie but then realized it was not a movie but actually my life. I gave the steering wheel a little nudge to the right and the truck responded and I pulled into the right lane. I noticed that I had not payed attention to driving until this moment. I had somehow made it through seven intersections and had pulled onto two different roads without even noticing. I was thinking constantly but thinking nothing at the same time, I knew I had things continuously going through my head but could not recall a single thought that I had in the last five minutes. I felt so numb to life.

I have let this numbness carry into every part of my life. I have been taking life as it comes the past month or so and have not really been excited or sad but always.........sitting there: in the moment but not really into the moment. I am going through my daily and weekly actions without any emotion or excitement. I have not connected with anyone on a deep emotional level in a while. Probably because I have not made time to see the people I am closest to because I don’t have time and the spare time I do have I spend in this numbness. I have moved everything I own into my basement and as a result hardly ever see my roommates. Correction: I see one of my roommates all the time but since I am not an animated War Hammer character on the seventeen inch screen in front of him, I deserve no attention, not even a hello apparently. I don't get the kind of personal time I am really wanting and needing with my fiancée because we both are so busy and have scheduled our lives so completely but at conflicting times. This requires squeezing each other in the margins of our lives if we can see each other at all. I have taken about three pages worth of notes in the past few weeks in class because I rarely am there physically and if I am then I am not there mentally. I am not meeting with my mentor because I feel like he is too busy for me and the time I do see him there is seems to be an unwritten agenda and a certain level of fakeness that honestly hurts for me to think about. I find myself wanting to do things but time comes and goes and I don’t do any of them because my ambition and emotion in life has not been there. I usually get to the end of my day and think, "What did I do today?"

I must be clear in saying it is not that I have felt no emotion at all in the past month. I have laughed, been angry and sad, made jokes, been loud and excited, done things with people, been scared, etc. However, I am saying that I have been numb to life to the point where I feel like I am not really even living my life. It is simply playing on a 360 degree screen around me. I am going through life feeling like I am waiting on something to happen to me like getting a new job, or this semester ending, or marriage before I will experience its fullness again. I know if I let them, these things will come and go with the same numbness.

The good news is that I know what it is that will wake me up. I know there is only one thing that can drive me to live life to the fullest. I know that I have pulled away from the one thing that gives my life purpose and meaning and I have tried making something out of my life on my own. I have not done this intentionally but I have also not intentionally chased after that which I am made to be. If I want to live life and live it to the full I must change.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

My Skin

It is all over you. Actually it is the largest organ of the body. It keeps what needs to be kept in, in, and it is our first line of defense for keeping out the things that need to be repelled and stay outside of us. We have it all our lives, from the moment we are born till we die. It stays with us forever. You may lose your hair, teeth, muscles, etc. but this will always be with you. It is literally all you are born with and all you will die with is held within it. It is with you in your most glorious of moments and it is with you in your darkest and hardest of times. We make mistakes, important decisions, laughable jokes, regrettable statements, acts of love, and more inside of it. We are good to it: we bath it and keep it nourished and healthy. Sometimes we treat it badly. We scratch it and tear it and burn it under the suns damaging rays so we look sexier in our bathing suits. Skin. We often say that we know someone skin deep, meaning that we do not know the deep and integral parts of someone’s heart, mind or soul. But I have always said you can learn a lot about a person from their skin. You see, my favorite property of skin is its ability of regeneration. You can burn it, cut it, rub it raw, rip it off, stretch it out, bruise it or poke a hole in it. No matter what you do to the skin with the right amount of time and protection from further abuse it will regenerate. Sometimes it grows back just the way it was- completely hiding the fact that it was ever damaged. Other times, usually after the skin has gone through severe damage, it will leave a scar or be deformed. These scars are something that shows the world that something has happened in the past that was painful and hard to go through. Usually there is an entertaining story about the injury that caused the scar but these stories are often accompanied by a life lesson that was learned the hard way and so resulted in the blemish. I hope this blog is my skin to those of you who read it. I hope that you would see the past that has lead me to this place in my life, this place in my skin. I hope that in these writing the things that are deeper under my skin are seen. The darkest places of who I am and who I have been along with the victories and life lessons learned in this skin will hopefully be able to be told in a way that may help you with who you are in your skin and the scars that you might have from your past. Love. Love.